Your Turn…

*whispers*….come close.  No closer, I want to tell you a secret…

Just between you and me, I don’t what to write this week…I’m trying (and succeeding) to distance myself from my past.  It is not something I can do for very long, but hey it’s Christmas, so you can’t blame me for trying. 

Dissociation is great for this.  Sometimes I can feel and act normal for short periods.  But then…what to write for my blog about healing from child abuse?  I could repost an older post.  Or I could tell you about Les Miserables.  I loved it, but I’ll leave it at that.

Larisa Koshkina

Ok…here’s what’s really on my mind.  Since my repressed memories started to surface, along with the grief, pain, shame, and anger…came a crisis of faith.  I have alluded to it here on the blog, but not fully discussed it.  Why is it that the things that pain us the most deeply are the hardest to talk about?

I’m ready to talk about that faith crisis and how I am getting through it.  (I wish I could say it is in the past, but it isn’t.)  This time though, I don’t mean blogging about it, I mean that I intend to write a book.  I’ve already started it.

This is where “Your Turn” comes in. One day I went to a church bookstore, searching for a book that could help with the pain, I didn’t find one.  I told my son, who was with me, “I will have to write the book I need–for someone else.” 

So tell me–what would you be looking for in THAT book?  I know my own story, but I also know there are other stories.  Perhaps there are questions that others have asked that I haven’t thought of.  Perhaps there are answers that others have found that are still hidden to me.  So I need your help.  What came to your mind as you read this post?  What would you like a book like this to cover?  What questions are you still searching?  What answers would you like to share?   

The questions are for friends/family and loved ones of survivors too.  What are your questions? 

I welcome your responses, here, on facebook or in email.  You can email me at lesliesillusions at gmail. 

Photo attribution: Larisa Koshkina


  1. Cover emotional abuse, because even if you never get a bruise, it hurts. Emotional abuse is often ignored or dismissed as "overly sensitive child" or worse, "crybaby" but it warps you in ways that can't be undone, only grown around. *Applause* for your bravery to write the book.

  2. So many thoughts my brain is going into overdrive and nothing is coming out coherent…1. You are worthy. One of the hardest things for me was disclosing I had been abused to two different potential husbands (one I was engaged to and the other was just about engaged to) and having them tell me that they would not marry me as I was not a virgin. I was 11 years old and I was raped! How the heck was I not a virgin!?! I know that those reactions affected how I dealt with things later in life.2. Ways of telling about your abuse.3. How to cope with the criminal justice system (I can give you some pointers on this one) and for some the lack of justice (5 years for abusing 3 children is NOT justice)…4. Forgiving yourself. Part of getting over my abuse I have had to learn to forgive myself which is way harder then forgiving any abuser (not that I have totally done that either).I am sure I can come up with more…

  3. I'll have to think on this one. (But, seriously, you always force me to think when I come to your blog corner of the world. Sometimes I love you for it, and other times, not so much.) 😉 But, the first thing that came to mind was : How do I NOT become like that person? And not even in the big, huge, evil, obvious ways. How do I stop myself or reverse my actions/behavior when they are resembling the behavior, even slightly? (Thinking more emotional behavior, not physical.) It's harder than it may seem.

  4. Thanks! You are so right, emotional abuse is insidious. And often people don't realize how serious it is. I think many times it is just the tip of an iceburg too.

  5. Wow, I just want to slap the faces of both your would be fiancee's for you! Unbelievable!Thanks Margaret keep the ideas coming! I whole-heartedly agree with you that 5 years is not nearly enough, and phew forgivenss is a huge one. As you said, forgiving yourself is a mammoth task. That's one of those things I am still working on as well.

  6. You made me laugh with the thinking part. :)Good point, thank you for bringing that up. That is an important issue. You make a great point that it is the emotional stuff that is hardest to stop or prevent. Thanks!

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