It recently occurred to me that of all the things I have talked about on my blog, during this healing journey, one thing I have not really talked about is how it has affected me spiritually. I have alluded to it a couple of times, but never really discussed it. I don’t know why. It’s not that I was intentionally holding back. Maybe it is just an unspoken feeling I have that one’s relationship with God is a deeply personal thing.
Yes, that is likely what prevented me. It’s kind of like this….a great piece of advice I received when I got married was: when you are upset with your spouse, don’t talk to other people about it. The rational being that later his awesomeness (as you see it) later makes you inclined to forgive him, but your mother (or friend…), who doesn’t see him as quite so adorable is less likely to forgive him. I guess in that same light, it was hard for me to talk about the difficulty I have been having with God, because I don’t want to pass on my frustration to anyone else, and then have them not ‘bounce back’ when I do.
Fortunately though, my relationship with God was strong before all this healing stuff started, and though the relationship has been rocky, I am mending the wounds. In fairness, to myself, I must say, that DID has played a big part in the separation I have felt from God.
I don’t really want to get into that now, suffice it to say, that some how, some part of me decided that the Spiritual aspect of myself was much too precious and too pure to be subjected to all the filth that was about to come forth. So the Spiritual One was whisked away to a far, far room of my Haunted Mind. It took me a long time to understand what had happened and why. Then to develop some inner co-operation to bring her back. I know that probably sounds really strange, but rather than thinking of it as strange, I hope you can see that it is actually a testament to the amazing power of the mind.
Perhaps, I will write more about that another day, but today it feels like a side-trip, so back to my main point. Even though I haven’t really talked about the spiritual aspects of my healing here on the blog, I am writing a book about it. The book I have wished for to help me, but couldn’t find. Good grief, as I write that it sounds maybe a bit egotistical, but here’s hoping you know me better than that.
My intent is to help others navigate this rocky path any way that I can. That’s all. So, the first chapter of the book is about the spiritual divide that has been part of the process for me and why it happened (aside from DID). The rest of the book is about healing that divide. The first chapter is tentatively called, “The Jaws of Hell” from Doctrine and Covenants section 122…”. . .if even the jaws of Hell should gape after thee. . . (paraphrased because I am too impatient to look it up now).
As I pondered and later researched “the jaws of Hell”, I learned that the phrase has been used at least since medieval times, likely longer. It was very common in their art. I just have to show you a picture I found.
|Photo Attribution: HERE|
Isn’t this picture great? I showed it to my daughter, Vienna, but she didn’t share my enthusiasm. I don’t get it. And yes, in case you were wondering, this whole blog post IS just so I could share this picture. I think it is perfect and I am wondering if I can get permission to put it in my book!
So can any of you reading this relate? If you would like to tell me about your “jaws of Hell” experience (meaning that you felt separated from God due to anger, shame, DID, or another reason). I would love to hear YOUR story. As always you can share here, or privately by sending me a PM to lesliesillusions at gmail.
Oh, and have I told you lately…thanks for reading and sharing this journey with me.