Ugh, I just have to say…I am so tired of this…so very tired.
Tired of what you ask? Tired of hurting, what else?
Healing feels like stumbling around in the dark, sometimes you can move along pretty stealthily and fool yourself into thinking you are some kind of ninja, but then you bump into something and hit your shin. Reflexively, you bend over to grab your wound and while doing so you hit your head. This throws you off-balance and you end up lying on the ground without enough hands to touch, soothe and comfort all the aching places.
Fumbling around in the dark is a great metaphor for triggers because they often seem to hit you out of no where. I know some of my triggers and can anticipate them and work through them fairly stealthily. Therapy has helped with that. But then there are other triggers. . .
I’m struggling to explain what I am feeling without going into specifics about what hurt me this time. Let’s see if we can work around this. A family member did something that hurt me deeply. The hurt was not intended. (I wonder would it hurt less if it was? Maybe so.)
That situation may or may not be as it appears to me. We may or may not work it out. I may or may not emotionally guillotine this person. Emotionally guillotine means that I cut him or her out of my heart. I can do this with a rapidity and a finality that shocks even me.
I do wonder if this is healthy. (My husband doesn’t think so, and my therapist is out-of-town. . .) Healthy or not, I have guillotined a lot of people, and it does stop the hurt. So how can that be a bad thing??? My husband says it’s bad because if I guillotine enough people I will be left alone. And yet, I don’t think they were really there in the first place…that’s WHY they were guillotined. So how has anything changed except that I stopped my emotional hemorrhage? Anyway. . .
The real issue here is the pain of the past that was triggered by this incident. How does a four-year old child deal with the pain of feeling rejected, abandoned and traumatized? It breaks my heart to think of it.
I’ll tell you how I dealt with it. I learned to emotionally guillotine people (it’s amazing I don’t have some sort of attachment disorder!) and I put the rest away in my Haunted Mind to deal with later as an adult.
Now I am facing that emotional time bomb. An event triggers it, and suddenly I am awash with the unbelievable pain of being a child abused and feeling very alone in a very dark and scary world. All this while people around me wonder why I am over-reacting to whatever the trigger was.
Somebody please turn on the light. I want this healing business to be done already. . .like yesterday.
P.S. Please note in my effort to blog regularly, I am now scheduling posts in advance. So I have had a little time to recover from the situation that hurt me. I am feeling better, and yes, I did emotionally guillotine the person that caused the problem. Here’s hoping I can get back to Ninja mode now…at least emotionally!
Photo attribution is embedded in the picture now. Just hover over it. Don’t I feel clever?!