Do you ever have the sensation of waking up…in the middle of your life?
Tonight (and this has happened to me before,) I have a strange feeling of having been away for a while. It’s like I just woke up and I feel really refreshed. Or you could say it is like coming home from a vacation. I have that sense of returning, and yet everything feels familiar. Because I have been away and rested, I feel renewed and ready to face the challenges of my life. But egads, I really need to have a talk with the part of myself that was in charge while I was gone.
I would say to myself (ever so gently)…”Yikes! You haven’t been wearing make-up? Don’t you realize your blonde eyebrows and eyelashes are basically invisible without it? And what are these frumpy clothes you have been wearing?
“Why haven’t you talked to (or emailed) ________________ for a while? That friendship is important. Ah, Leslie. . .”
I don’t mean to give the impression that this is simply about being critical of myself…I realize almost everyone falls prey to that trap. What I am trying to illustrate here is how I can FEEL like a different person. It’s pretty weird sometimes.
But…and I know I told you this before (here), but it is worth repeating…the whole point of Dissociative Identity Disorder is to hide things. Mostly we hide dark and difficult things from ourselves (or try to), but we hide the whole essence of DID too. I do NOT go around telling people to call me by a different name (as you have seen in the movies.) I try to act as normal and nonchalant as possible. Hopefully, if I weren’t writing about it no one would ever know.
I admit, as much as I try to it reign it in, sometimes DID can cause me some awkward and embarrassing moments. I’ll tell you about one. My close friends love to tease me about this–all in good fun, I don’t mind the teasing.
One day I came home from work (in the morning because I work graveyard). There was a car in my driveway and it was in my spot. The way I would deal with that situation if it happened now–would be to get out and smile and approach the person and see who it was, make friendly conversation (even if it were a sales rep,) etc. But that morning I was in a different “space” of my mind. So. . .
I approached the car. The gentleman inside rolled down the window and smiled at me. I glared at him and said, “Who are you and what are you doing in my driveway?”
He looked a little confused, but smiled and said, “What?”
I repeated, more annoyed now, “Who are you and what are you doing in my driveway?” My voice was as cold as I could make it.
He looked really confused now, but kept smiling and explained that he was the father of my daughter’s friend. The girls had a sleep over, the previous night (at his house) and now he was bringing them to my house to retrieve something before they went to an early morning play practice together.
Would this be a good time to mention that I had met this man three or four times previously and should have recognized him? Or that in some part of my mind, I knew that my daughter had stayed the night with a friend and would be coming by in the morning?
But I couldn’t quite connect the dots in mentally, so embarrassed and now really confused, I stammered, “Oh, forgive me I just got off of graveyard shift, I’m really tired.” I use that excuse to cover up a lot of DID moments, by the way. Now you know my secret.
That morning still makes me blush in embarrassment and laugh at myself at the same time. Another thing I’ve noticed is that I have to be in the right “space” to write about DID. You can see from my archives how often that happens. And I can almost guarantee that later in some other space of my mind
we, ahem–I–will be questioning the wisdom of this post. But there you go…moments with DID.