When I Was Who I Was, Which Is Not Who I Am Now

Girls comb their hair in rearview mirrors by be-holder   CC BY-ND 2.0 Flickr
Girls comb their hair in rearview mirrors by be-holder
CC BY-ND 2.0 Flickr

I really love this picture because it captures what I am feeling and want to express with this post.  It’s the idea of the ‘rear view’ mirror that appeals to me.  As if seeing yourself, but a past self, someone you were but not who you are.  Not a past self from long ago, but a past self from yesterday, or even a few moments ago.

I missed posting two Thursdays in a row. This frustrates me, and I don’t know how to explain except to tell you the truth–there is a war going on in my head.  Maybe “war” is a little strong, but then again . . .

While I try to explain this remember that people with DID have many similarities, and many differences.  As you read my experiences, keep in mind that others with DID may feel similarly, or they may not.  I don’t claim to speak for all of us.  Heck, I don’t even feel like I can speak for all the parts of me–let alone other people.   The reason I missed two posts is because even though writing is very important to one aspect of me, another part of me feels like “Meh, I have other things to do.”  This is not writer’s block, it is simply lack of interest.

Sometimes I feel like the mother of some very unruly children and teenagers, and they all live in my own mind.  Most mothers can relate to the feeling of frustration in trying to get the family on board with helping with house-hold chores and doing them well.  Often what is important to the mother in this area is less important to other family members.  That is how I feel about my mind sometimes.  I have this sensation of waking up (I don’t “lose time” as some DID people do, I remember, I just feel different) and I think “What?!  You didn’t write the blog post? C’mon that’s important to me.”  But the other self says, “Ho hum.”

I know this probably sounds like something from a bad fantasy movie, but I’m really not joking.  It is frustrating.  Part of what my therapist and I do in therapy is work on inner co-operation.  I have pretty good inner-communication which is why I don’t lose time, but the co-operation thing needs work.  Still we  I am making progress.

While I am on the subject of writing, you may wonder if different parts of me write this blog.  The answer is yes.  At times I have felt a little embarrassed by that and wondered if anyone noticed.  Despite what you see in the movies, a huge part of the purpose of DID is to HIDE that fact that you have it!  I asked a close friend about this and pointed out one post in particular.  She said, “I just thought you were being creative.”  Yeah, some part of me was being creative.

Other co-operation problems of my mind:  sometimes I am certain I am an introvert.  I thrive on being alone, and really don’t care that much for people, and then without warning or explanation, I crave human contact and I want to share my every thought with someone else.  Am I an introvert or an extrovert, who can know if I don’t? Am I a writer or not?  A pessimist or an optimist?    Do I think swearing is bad, or do I love a good damn, damn, damn? (Today it’s the latter or I wouldn’t have said it, but I know inside some part of me is not pleased.) In fact, I can only write about DID when I am in a certain “space” and later I wonder if it  was a wise choice or not.

Even more than who I am, I wonder who will I be?  I mean when I fully integrate my mind so I can function more like–well, like you.  How will this odd conglomeration of parts come together?  It’s exciting and it’s scary.  What will I gain, and more importantly what might I lose?  It is no wonder some DID people chose not to integrate but just work for inner-communication.

Some of the feelings or experiences I have shared may feel familiar to you.  Naturally.  DID is after all, an extreme version of how all our minds work.  Just be grateful that you mind is a little more obedient than mine is.  As for me, I’ll keep going to therapy.

Photo Attribution

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6 thoughts on “When I Was Who I Was, Which Is Not Who I Am Now

  1. Like you; it often seems like I’m the mother of very unruly children. Maybe not, actually; it’s like being the mother of the teenagers no-one would want; unresponsive, do what *they* want without a care of how it affects others.
    As I think is clear, we don’t have very much in the way of communication (not through the lack of trying) and right now, the aim is to get to the point where we have a level of communication similar to yours.

    Integration, I think means that all of you blend into one and *you* are gaining the qualities held by ‘parts’, good or bad. Think that like D.I.D being unique to every system, integration is, too.

    Gosh, have written lots. (Too much?)

    Take care.

    1. Not too much at all! I enjoyed reading your comment. I love what you said about integration being different for each system just as DID is unique for each of us. I never thought about it that way before, but I think you are spot on. I find that comforting because even though I want to integrate, I remember a DID memoir I read once–I was not really comfortable with integration the way she experienced it. I feel better knowing that my experience may well be different and unique. Thanks so much for sharing!

  2. You make a tremendous effort to help others understand DID and reveal a great deal about yourself, which I think takes tremendous courage. Sometimes after reading your blogs I wonder if I have DID, but I really think that some of what I get concerned about are just those “warts and all” of mortality. Probably too stuck on myself. Thanks Leslie, as always.

    1. Thanks Judith, that is so sweet of you. I do try to emphasize the aspects of DID that other people can relate to those “warts and all” as you said. Because I want people to see it isn’t the far-fetched, rare illness that is commonly portrayed in the media.

      If I talked more about my “inner world”, with the children who hold the most painful memories, then I don’t think you would wonder if you have DID any more. 🙂 Perhaps, I will talk a little more about that in a future post…not about MY inner world…but about the inner landscape of DID in general to help clear things up a bit.

  3. Thanks for writing this! I find DID fascinating, and have wanted to ask you about it on occasions, but didn’t feel like our friendship was “there” yet. I’m pretty sure I’ll still like you even after you’ve figured out whether you’re an introvert or an extrovert, whether you avoid all cursing, or whether a damn here or there is acceptable. 🙂 I like all the parts I’ve seen so far (although I’m really curious which ones they are!), and so I’m pretty sure I’ll like how they all fit together. 🙂

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