I really love this picture because it captures what I am feeling and want to express with this post. It’s the idea of the ‘rear view’ mirror that appeals to me. As if seeing yourself, but a past self, someone you were but not who you are. Not a past self from long ago, but a past self from yesterday, or even a few moments ago.
I missed posting two Thursdays in a row. This frustrates me, and I don’t know how to explain except to tell you the truth–there is a war going on in my head. Maybe “war” is a little strong, but then again . . .
While I try to explain this remember that people with DID have many similarities, and many differences. As you read my experiences, keep in mind that others with DID may feel similarly, or they may not. I don’t claim to speak for all of us. Heck, I don’t even feel like I can speak for all the parts of me–let alone other people. The reason I missed two posts is because even though writing is very important to one aspect of me, another part of me feels like “Meh, I have other things to do.” This is not writer’s block, it is simply lack of interest.
Sometimes I feel like the mother of some very unruly children and teenagers, and they all live in my own mind. Most mothers can relate to the feeling of frustration in trying to get the family on board with helping with house-hold chores and doing them well. Often what is important to the mother in this area is less important to other family members. That is how I feel about my mind sometimes. I have this sensation of waking up (I don’t “lose time” as some DID people do, I remember, I just feel different) and I think “What?! You didn’t write the blog post? C’mon that’s important to me.” But the other self says, “Ho hum.”
I know this probably sounds like something from a bad fantasy movie, but I’m really not joking. It is frustrating. Part of what my therapist and I do in therapy is work on inner co-operation. I have pretty good inner-communication which is why I don’t lose time, but the co-operation thing needs work. Still
we I am making progress.
While I am on the subject of writing, you may wonder if different parts of me write this blog. The answer is yes. At times I have felt a little embarrassed by that and wondered if anyone noticed. Despite what you see in the movies, a huge part of the purpose of DID is to HIDE that fact that you have it! I asked a close friend about this and pointed out one post in particular. She said, “I just thought you were being creative.” Yeah, some part of me was being creative.
Other co-operation problems of my mind: sometimes I am certain I am an introvert. I thrive on being alone, and really don’t care that much for people, and then without warning or explanation, I crave human contact and I want to share my every thought with someone else. Am I an introvert or an extrovert, who can know if I don’t? Am I a writer or not? A pessimist or an optimist? Do I think swearing is bad, or do I love a good damn, damn, damn? (Today it’s the latter or I wouldn’t have said it, but I know inside some part of me is not pleased.) In fact, I can only write about DID when I am in a certain “space” and later I wonder if it was a wise choice or not.
Even more than who I am, I wonder who will I be? I mean when I fully integrate my mind so I can function more like–well, like you. How will this odd conglomeration of parts come together? It’s exciting and it’s scary. What will I gain, and more importantly what might I lose? It is no wonder some DID people chose not to integrate but just work for inner-communication.
Some of the feelings or experiences I have shared may feel familiar to you. Naturally. DID is after all, an extreme version of how all our minds work. Just be grateful that you mind is a little more obedient than mine is. As for me, I’ll keep going to therapy.
- 7 Persistent Myths about Introverts & Extroverts (psychcentral.com)