If you have followed my blog for a while, or even if you are new, but looked at the archives, you will notice that I am gradually healing. Too gradually for my taste, but I don’t seem to get a choice in that one. Still, I am grateful for any and all growth and healing.
Still because I want to be authentic, and more especially so I won’t give a false picture to those who are traveling this same path, I have to say: relapse happens. I have days where I find myself feeling awful. It isn’t as frequent as it used to be, but it still happens.
On those days I think, “Oh no, no please not this again!” Because as you probably know, when you get into that space it feels like that is all there ever has been, and all there ever will be. It defies logic, to be sure, but I have come to believe that emotions can be more powerful than logic.
The biggest relapse for me happened recently. I was triggered, and without warning found myself in that place where self-harm seemed like the only way to ease the pain. I felt so torn. Part of me, really wanted to get a knife and relieve the pressure. Another part of me said, “No don’t do it.” At the same time, I despaired because, “I thought I was over this.” In the end, I didn’t do it, but I wept because I wanted to so badly.
Where do such strong feelings come from? I am sure I don’t know. But I have close friends (also trauma/abuse survivors) that have experienced them, and acted on them. Our culture focuses on teenagers that do this, but it’s not just teenagers.
There is good news. The feelings only stayed a day or two. Then they were gone again. I hope that mentioning this will give others hope: it does get better.
If you’re thinking about self-harm, but have never done it–don’t start, it’s very addictive. If you have done it, I wish I could put my arms around you and cry with you. (safe hug) I would tell you that I understand. And I would say:
I’m so sorry for what happened to you. That never should have happened. It wasn’t your fault. I will do everything I can to make sure no one ever hurts you again.
If you need to hear those words, print out this post and put it somewhere private just for you, and know that I would say them to you in person if I could. I’m so sorry for what happened to you. It will get better.